


Diary

by inabodycastofglass



Series: Old works [13]
Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: F/M, Post-Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inabodycastofglass/pseuds/inabodycastofglass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natalia reads Asch's diary from years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary

**Author's Note:**

> From the prompt "Diary".

Natalia sat up, looking briefly at Asch as he slept quietly, his face soft. During the day he would never let himself to appear so vulnerable. But at night, around Natalia, he would relax, just a little.

It was funny. Usually he would be the one waking up, yelling, thrashing, or just being unable to breath. Natalia had grown so accustomed to calming him down, holding him, comforting him until he fell asleep, that she could recognize even his most subtle changes and wake up. But tonight she was the one with the nightmare. But he was still here, alive, laying next to her, breathing. He was breathing. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers across his cheek, brushing his hair out of his face. Before, such an action would have woken him, and his hand would have been around her throat before he was even aware he’d awoken. But now, years and two children later, he’d grown accustomed to her light touches, and managed to sleep through them.

She shifted herself so she was sitting on the side of the bed, clutching the edge of the mattress for support. Why in her nightmares did he always die? Never did she imagine one of her children dying, remembered her father’s death, nor would her country go to war. No. It was always Asch. Though she had her conscious mind convinced he was fine, he was alive and well and with her. But somewhere, deep in her unconscious, trying to get to her though these dreams of red hair flowing in streams of blood, she still believed he was going to leave her again. And the third time would be the charm, wouldn’t it? He wouldn’t come back to her again. Two miracles was enough.

He placed his hand on hers, his eyes barely open, watching her. He hadn’t even woken up enough to ask her if she was okay. But she could see him trying to move to sit up.

"I’m okay. Go back to sleep. I’m just visiting the lavatory.“ She leaned down and gave him a quick, soft kiss as he nodded and closed his eyes again, his body relaxing immediately.

She stood up and walked out of the room. She didn’t need to use the lavatory, but she needed to move. Perhaps a walk through the garden, but it was raining and Asch would notice if she came back wet, even if it was just her hair. And it was still dark. Judging by her last few attempts to walk around in the dark, she would surely get lost. She could always go see Guy. He was visiting Luke and was always awake at this hour doing some type or research. But Asch would be furious if she went to Guy when he was right there. But she didn’t want to wake him. And it would only upset him if she told him what was wrong. So she would just have to walk around until she found something to distract herself. She couldn’t keep thinking about these things.

She wandered into Asch’s study, which she’d frequented regularly when it still belonged to her father and she had a nightmare about his kidnapping when he was still Luke and they were still both so innocent and naive. She missed those days regularly, when everything was so simple. But for nothing would she trade what she had with him now. The trust, the honest love they both worked so hard to gain. The maturity, the understanding, the way they knew they could pull through hell and back to get to each other. True love. The kind they talked about in old stories. The kind they’d given up writing about in books. The kind that could transcend death.

Perhaps she came here because it smelt like her father, no matter how many years passed. Perhaps she came here because it was the place she knew her king would reside one day. Perhaps she just came here because it was always empty and full of interesting things. And tonight was no different.

She enjoyed looking over notes and records in here. Usually Asch kept her well caught up on what he was doing. She was, after all, the one that ran nearly everything. She was raised to be queen and had accomplished more than the last several kings and queens before her. Her people had even started to call her the Great Queen. It was a bit much, she believed, but she could understand why they said it. She spent every single day in a meeting, several hours most days talking with her people, and walking among them on the days in which she didn’t. Her consultants were all ordinary people. And by the time she was twenty-one she had already completely remade the economy and created a ninety-percent employment rate. Her entire life was for her people, and she was never afraid to make the tough choices for them.

She lit a candle and looked around the room for something new. Asch usually finished one job before starting the next, very different from her father and herself, who always took on several jobs at once, so there weren’t usually a lot of new things to look at. But she found a small book that looked like it’d been through hell and back. It wasn’t in the tip-top shape he usually kept all his documents in. This one had papers askew and the edges were frayed and torn. Even the cover was beginning to fall off. It must have been very important to him.

She didn’t think anything of it when she picked it up and turned to the first page.

_ I dreamed again. It was so vivid I wasn’t sure if it was real. She laughed and called me Luke. Had it been real life I would have pulled back immediately. Even thinking back to it makes me furious. But in my dream I smiled and held her close. _

She closed the book and set it down, fully aware of what it was. It would be an invasion of Asch’s privacy to continue reading. Instead she continued to look around for anything new. But everything was the same old same old that she’d picked up several times. Many of the documents were her own work, or had little notes and comments scribbled throughout them in the late hours of the night.

Finally she gave up, sitting down in his chair and sighing. There really was nothing left in this room for her to read. Instead her eyes traveled to the small book she tried so hard not to think about. But she was sure that was her he’d been writing about. And it was during the time he was gone, the time he never talked about. The time she’d asked him about so many times. This may be her only chance to find out…

She picked up the book and continued to read. She knew she would regret it later. She was regretting it now. But her curiosity got the best of her, just like it had so many times.

It was very simple stuff. Teenagers thoughts and dreams. He didn’t divulge any of his daily life in it. It was all about her. Though he refrained from naming her, or using the word "princess”, she knew it was her. He had described her all the way down to the freckle on her chest. She hadn’t even realized he’d known about it back then. Sometimes she didn’t believe he knew about it now. When the two of them became intimate, he usually had his eyes closed.

She was very surprised at some of the things he’d dreamed about. Several times her face turned bright red and she made mental notes to try some of this later. But it was when the notes became personal that she really started to feel like she was intruding.

_ We visited Baticul today. I told Master Van several times on the way there that it was a bad idea for me to go, but he insisted that I was perfect for this job. Besides, Natalia would be at the castle. I couldn’t argue with that logic. _

_ But she was there. I saw her walking around town, going into stores, talking to random people. She was very subtle, dressed in normal, though revealing, clothes. Years ago, back when I was still- someone I’m not, she would never have been able to blend in that well. She was always so obviously her. _

_ My first instinct was to run up to her and take her and hold her, like I’d dremt of so many times. But that would reveal who I am, and what that thing was. And ultimately it would just hurt her. So I hid, watching her from afar. I didn’t expect to regret it so much after. _

_ Sometimes I want to hate her. I want to be able to take her and shake her and yell and scream. But I can’t. I could never hate her. I could never love her either. So instead I’m left dreaming about her almost every night, waking with this yearning, this pulling that leaves me in tears late at night. Lorelei I want her, in ways that I can’t even describe I want to hold her, move her, make her moan and call for me. But I could never tell her this. And, if things go as they should, I will never get a chance. _

_ How could this have happened. I saw her today, face to face. I thought I had put these feelings behind me, pushed them so deep down that they could never resurface. But I got so angry, so furious when I saw her, when she was so shocked to see me. She should have known. She should have noticed the difference between that reject, that abomination, and me. More than anyone else she should have noticed. But I could tell the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind. So I wanted to make her pay, make her suffer. But I couldn’t lose my cool. So I just said some offhanded comment about her new fiance being a ladies man and ran off. Hopefully that was the last time I will ever have to see her or that blasted replica ever again. _

_ Of course things can never go so the way I want them to. My anger had to get the best of me and I went to see them. I saw that Dreck. I saw her. Why did I go to see her? Did I want to make myself suffer that much? Maybe I wanted to make her suffer still. _

_ She tried to talk to me a few times, but I wouldn’t listen. I don’t care if she wanted to make amends or whatever. I don’t want anything to do with her. I wish she would stop trying. I wish I would stop trying to give in. I even stood outside of her door like she stood outside of mine. But she never came out. And for that I thank Lorelei. I don’t know what I would have done if she did. Perhaps I would have done some of the things I dremt about that night. But I would never defile her like that. Not for revenge or anything. No matter how much I want to make her hurt right now. Not her. _

She set the book down, tears running down her face. This was worse. This was worse than her dreams. To read about him hating her, wanting to hurt her. She couldn’t take it.

She pushed herself up and away from the book. She couldn’t breath. Her body felt heavy, tense, full. Every movement was a battle, but she had to get out of here.

Before she knew it, before she was capable of definable thought, she was in their room again. The one she shared with Asch, who had thought he hated her not so long ago. Had he really wanted to hurt her so much? Did he still hate her to this day for not realizing what had happened? Did she really want the answer to that.

She sat down on the bed next to him, watching him sleep. Suddenly all the confidence and the absurdness of him being calm around her, trusting her, loving her, was no longer there. She didn’t know what to think anymore. She loved him, for so many years, for as long as she could remember, she loved him, but she did betray him. She just wanted Luke to be him so badly, so very badly, that she pushed away any other possibility without a second thought. Everything else was just too terrifying. Even now when she realized what he went through she would slip into small panic attacks.

He shifted and opened his eyes, looking up at her. He mumbled something she recognized as her name and tired to smile, but only she only cried more.

"No, I’m sorry. This is nothing. Go back to sleep.“

He held out a hand to her, resting it on the bed. "C'mere.”

She laid herself on the bed and he hooked his hand around the back of her neck, lacing his fingers in her hair. He closed his eyes taking a small breath. “S'matter?”

She opened her mouth to tell him that it was nothing, but closed it again. Something always kept her from lying to him. Did he know this? She closed her mouth and tried to push away the sandy feeling. “I love you.”

"Bad dream?“

"Something like that.”

He opened his eyes, looking at her. He let out a large yawn and blinked, focusing on her again. “You’re crying.”

"It is nothing that I cannot deal with.“

He sighed loudly, too tired to control his volume, and wrapped his other arm around her waist, pulling her toward him until her head was resting against his chest. This only brought on more tears. "What’s really wrong?”

She wrapped her arms around him and cried until they slowed down enough for her to articulate. Already her eyes burned with too much tears. It had been so long since she cried this hard. Not since her second child wouldn’t stop crying into the late hours of the night. But those tears were so different. They were frustration. These were pain.

"Do you love me.“

He stiffened and she feared the worst. Had his feelings from then still lingered? "How could you wonder such a thing?” He sounded so hurt under his exhaustion, which was quickly fading. “Do you believe that I would come back here, take on the role of king, sleep here every night, next to a woman I didn’t love?”

"You’re not still angry with me for not realizing it was Luke who returned, and not you?“

She had brought up the forbidden subject; Luke’s return. Asch never responded well to it.

He was definitely awake now. "Is that what’s really bothering you?” He sat up on one elbow. “Natalia. I love you. True I thought I never could before, but I do. Perhaps I always loved you, but I was just too scared to admit it to myself. If I ever had thoughts of hating you it was just because I was jealous that Luke had you, and I’d lost my chance.”

Had Asch just admitted to being jealous? She sat up on her elbow, mirroring him. “You never hated me?”

"I never could.“

He leaned down and kissed her. "I love you.”

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly as she could. “I love you, too. So much. I love you.” She sighed into his shoulder. “I love you.”

He pulled her just as close as she held him, burying his face in her hair and taking a deep breath. Only when they were alone like this did he allow himself such blatant displays of affection. In public she could barely get a kiss out of him. How she had ever doubted him she no longer knew.

"I love you.“

Someday she would tell him about his journal, but not today. That would be saved for a day far in the future, during who knows when. perhaps during a fight. But it would be okay, he would never leave, even for such a reason. Because he’d loved her just as long as she’d loved him. Maybe longer, if that was possible.


End file.
